Movie Time

A typical conversation between Chris and Ed.

Make You Wettie, Wettie

Friday we went out to a restaurant called Ninja Sushi. The backstory on this place is we were the first customers when the they opened, so the owner always remembers us. This in turn usually leads to bows and handshakes, and, more importantly, a round of free beers whenever we go there. Yeah, we're fucking rock stars.

We walked in and the hostess tried to seat us in a booth like they always do. Ed and I said no, and pointed to Chris. She sees the size of him and seats us at a table where we can spread out.

We all order some big Japanese beers except for Bill who has a meeting after lunch. We eat, drink and bullshit like always without too much excitement. Yet.

At some point the owner showed up and saw us. He always makes a big production out of seeing us, and he ordered the free round of beers for us. Even though Bill is drinking Coke, the waitress brings four. But we have Bill's back, so we will do our best to drink it. That's how this bus rolls.

When the bill comes, that's when the fun starts. The lunch tab comes to about $75, and I don't have any cash, so I figure it's the perfect time to bust out this stupid $100 Visa gift card I've had for four months. I throw it out there, and right as I do, a sniper shoots Ed's beer glass and it explodes. I'm pissed because to everyone else, it appeared that I knocked it over with my hand. Damn snipers.

The restaurant is lucky enough to have Ed's pants soak up most of the beer, thereby saving valuable clean-up time. Everyone in the restaurant is watching, and their accusing eyes tell the story: they think I did it. This really illustrates how stupid people can be. I mean, a beer glass doesn't just EXPLODE when you knock it over. They should be directing their attention to the guy across the street with the fucking rifle.

When everything is eventually cleaned up, the waitress takes the card, runs it and quickly returns, showing me that it is "invalid." I told her it should be fine because I've never used it. She showed me the receipt, and indeed it said invalid.

Chris offered to call Visa, so I handed him the card. The guy at Visa said the card had already been used. Chris gave me the eye and asked, "You want me to keep going?" I nodded my head yes. Why would I NOT want someone else to argue over getting MY money back? Eventually the guy told Chris it was spent at a Home Depot near my house on March 1. He put his hand over the phone and asked if it's possible I spent it at Home Depot. I shrugged. Chris told Ed to look up the date. Ed reported, "Saturday." Knowing that this is typically my "Home Depot Day," Chris gave me the eye and hung up.

In the end Chris paid the bill, Ed got wet, Bill stayed sober and everything worked out great for me.

In the Beginning

I work with three guys. We go to lunch together almost every day, and we have been for years. Our jobs suck at times, but we can always count on having a little fun at lunch.

I started at my place of employment--we'll call it The Franchise--in 1996. The first guy I met was Bill.

My unit supervisor was walking me around and introducing me to each of the other unit supervisors. When we came to Bill, he stood up and shook my hand and acted very formal. He had short, slicked back hair, and a bunch of gold rings, earrings and chains. I thought, "Who the fuck is this guy?" I knew immediately to keep an eye on him because he was obviously a master of bullshit.

I worked an awful job opening mail for a month, but was lucky enough to score the budget position in the same section. I was off the linoleum and onto the coveted carpet area. Although I reported directly to the section manager, I sat with a group called the Tech Unit. This is where I met Ed.

Ed was the supply guy for the section, and the whipping boy for his unit supervisor Sherry. He was friendly and would talk to anyone who would listen. This would drive Sherry insane and I enjoyed watching her bloodshot eyes bug out of her head when she yelled at him. We had a Christmas party at a local bar not long after I started, and that's when I really got to know Ed over a few beers.

Eventually Bill became the supervisor of the Tech Unit, and we got to be friends. At some point we decided to start going to Sacramento Kings games, and hang out outside of work.

After a couple years I landed a job on the PC help desk. I met Chris at a satellite office where he was a lead or supervisor. He was a huge fucking guy and I didn't know what to make of him. (Now, of course, I know he's just a big pussy.) I didn't really get to know him until he later joined the help desk.

Eventually all four of us were on the PC help desk and at some point I can't remember the Lunch Bus was formed. The rules were simple: Be ready to roll at 11:00 and the decision of where to eat was made after the car was rolling.

There have been hundreds of funny incidents over the years, and I will try to chronicle these as I remember them, while also writing about current stuff.